Characteristics Of Christian Abuse

What!?! Christian abuse!??! 

Yes! It happens! Why does it happen? Because we’re all in different stages, learning to walk in the fullness of our identity in Christ. 

Christian abuse happens when we’re insecure - whether we are the victim or the abuser. Insecurity causes us to forsake healthy boundaries, and insecurity causes us to create unhealthy relationships. How do you escape Christian abuse? First, it’s important to recognize the signs and symptoms:

1. Segregating

“But he, knowing their thoughts, said to them, “Every kingdom divided against itself is laid waste, and a divided household falls.” - Luke 11:17

Small groups of people meeting together are powerful. They have the potential to bring about significant life change as people discuss what is taking place in their lives, and what God is doing to grow them and transform them. But watch out for those who refuse to be in smaller groups, but want to only meet with you one on one. Usually this takes place because a person is unable to share within a group of people. So they pick one person whose personality they know they can manipulate. If you have been abused in the past, then you have to be incredibly cautious of people who remove you from multiple relationships in order to spend time with you one-on-one. One-on-one is great in a healthy context, but not when other relationships are abandoned or are not happening. 

2. Grooming

“Watch over your heart with all diligence, For from it flow the springs of life.” - Proverbs 4:23

If you are talented, if you have something to offer, if you have a story, be sure that people are going to want to hear it, and need to! But be cautious of those who come alongside wanting to “mentor” you, and “pour into your life,” who do not have anyone mentoring them, and pouring into their life. The lone rangers if you will. Christian abusers have, many times, many issues with many churches that remain unresolved. They may even have issues with the church they are in, if they are attending one, and that in itself is worth investigating and paying careful attention to. If they are not connected to people who are pouring into them in a healthy setting, then the chances of them pouring into YOU in a healthy setting are pretty slim. 

3. Protecting

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” - 2 Timothy 1:7

Christian abusers will seek to protect you. Everyone who approaches you becomes a potential threat, because the goal is to keep you aligned with only themselves. You’ll find that, while they won’t be outright condemning, they will “notice” issues that you “should be cautious of.” The reason this takes place is because the abuser is struggling with their own insecurity, and believe they will lose you if anyone else becomes a significant part of your life. And if they can plant seeds of doubt, fear or mistrust, they’ll gain you as a follower. 

“And in their greed they will exploit you with false words.” - 2 Peter 2:3a

One of the greatest tools in a Christian abusers life is the phrase “the Lord told/showed me.” This becomes a way to make the abused listen and conform because “you can’t argue with God.” It’s a good idea to stop listening to someone who says “the Lord told me” all the time. The purpose of prophecy is edification, not control. Someone who is truly hearing from God is willing to receive confirmation and/or correction from others who hear from God as well.  

4. Confiding/Manipulating

“Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God” - 1 John 4:1a

This type of confiding usually comes with intense warnings not to share with anyone. You’ll hear things like “I’m only sharing this with you because I trust you.” Or, "I didn't want to say this to anyone, but..." Anytime ANYONE asks you to keep something in confidence that involves others without having the right to make that request, that is a huge sign of an abusive conversation.  

The biggest reason for this type of confiding is for the sake of manipulation. If I can keep you from talking to anyone else about it, then I will be able to regulate your opinion, and now you are on my side. Even if someone is doing something wrong on the other side of the conversation, you ALWAYS want to hear both sides of the story before forming an opinion. This also breaks the power of segregation, which is one of the enemy's greatest tools. When something remains in darkness, it holds power. But the moment it comes to light, it’s strength begins to break. 

So what do you do once you’ve realized you’re in an abusive Christian relationship? 

1 - Break the power of segregation by finding a healthy community of believers to surround yourself with and become accountable to

2 - Break the power of grooming by finding mentors who are being mentored by mentors who are being mentored….

3 - Break the power of protecting by developing multiple healthy relationships. Don’t listen to prophets who refuse to be accountable to others

4 - Break the power of confiding and manipulating by setting boundaries in what you allow yourself to hear. If it doesn’t involve you, it’s gossip and you need to shut it down. 

Orphans & Sons

Are you an orphan or are you a son? A daughter? We can call ourselves children of God, but still live with an orphan mentality. It’s important that we understand the difference between living as children, or living as orphans. The doors of the orphanage have been broken down through our heavenly adoption. Or as Paul more aptly put: 

“So you are no longer a slave, but God's child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir.” - Galatians 4:7

Here is a quick checklist - do you find yourself relating more to the orphan, or to the son? 

Orphans protect for fear of losing, sons release what they know there’s more of. 

One gives freely, yet grows all the richer; another withholds what he should give, and only suffers want. - Proverbs 11:24

Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.” - Luke 6:38

Orphans compromise identity for immediate gratification, sons find gratification from their identity. 

Then Jacob gave Esau some bread and some lentil stew. He ate and drank, and then got up and left. So Esau despised his birthright. - Genesis 25:34

And in Christ you have been brought to fullness. He is the head over every power and authority. - Colossians 2:10

Orphans are skeptical of everyone’s intentions, a sons reality is not determined by the intentions of others. 

Then they spoke against God; They said, "Can God prepare a table in the wilderness? - Psalm 78:19

And He said to them, "Because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you. - Matthew 17:20

Orphans perform in order to gain approval, sons know they are eternally approved. 

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. - Galatians 1:10

All that the Father gives Me will come to Me, and the one who comes to Me I will certainly not cast out. - John 6:37

Orphans seek to control their surroundings in order to maintain their independence, sons control themselves to maintain their freedom. 

Then they said, “Come, let us build ourselves a city, with a tower that reaches to the heavens, so that we may make a name for ourselves; otherwise we will be scattered over the face of the whole earth.” - Genesis 11:4

But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified. - 1 Corinthians 9:27 

Orphans make promises they can’t keep to gain favor, sons live with an integrity that doesn’t require making promises.  

It is better not to make a vow than to make one and not fulfill it. - Ecclesiastes 5:5

All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one. - Matthew 5:37 

Keys To Speaking The Truth In Love

Questions to ask before you open your mouth

1 - Do you really love them, or are you doing something you perceive to be loving?

Jesus didn’t check things off His love-list when He came to earth, everything He did was motivated by love. Love proved His actions, actions did not prove His love. If you are not living in love towards the person you want to speak the truth to, don’t open your mouth! 

2 - Are you the one to say it?

Have you been invited into a relationship where you are able to speak freely? Is this something you need to say, or something Holy Spirit needs to say? Do you believe God cares more about them hearing the truth than you do?  Just because you know what needs to be said, doesn’t mean you’re the one to say it. 

3 - Who is this benefitting most? 

When we get pleasure from speaking the truth, we are overstepping the boundaries, and will be ineffective. When we release the pleasure of the Father by speaking the truth, we’re truly operating from love, and love is transformative. 

4 - Are you operating out of fear?

Fear and insecurity causes us to lash out. We end up delivering harsh truth (many times from a skewed perspective) that is wrapped in accusation and condemnation. Love offers hope, wrapped in acceptance and commendation. If you’re on the verge of operating out of fear, you need someone to speak the truth in love to you before you open your mouth to anyone else. 

5 - Are you dropping a bomb, or beginning a journey?

It’s easy to drop truth bombs and fly away. But love understands that truth opens a door in someone’s life that you will need to walk through with them. Truth starts the healing process, love walks beside the healing process. 

Opening your mouth to speak only takes a moment. Love takes a lifetime. 

Legalizing Same Sex Marriage: Shall We Call Down Fire?

In case you haven't heard, the United States Supreme Court just ruled that same sex marriage is now legal.

Ha! Like you haven't heard!

If you're like me, you've probably wanted to throw your computer/phone/tablet/dog across the room more than once over the last few days. Whether you agree or disagree with the ruling. Why? Because of the incredible array of ridiculous, maddening, judgmental, hate-filled responses that have been vomited into the various interweb forums over and over and over... yeah, you know what I'm saying.

And it's come from both sides of the issue.

I'm a pastor. I can't help but weigh in. I'm frustrated at the Christian community, and I'm frustrated at the homosexual community and everyone in between. For many reasons. But I've got to address the community I am most familiar with.

That's right Christians, I'm talking to you. I don't have a voice amongst my homosexual (dare I say it) brothers and sisters. But I do have a voice amongst you. I'm one of you. I have a right to say what I'm about to say.

Many of you sound a lot like James and John right now.

If you stop reading now, you'll feel good about yourselves. John was amazingly close to Jesus and had his heart. James was one of Jesus' brothers. John wrote several powerful New Testament books. James is the one who told us that pure religion is taking care of orphans and widows. If you like the way that sounds, stop reading because they weren't always like that, and I'm about to remind you why.

There's a short passage in Luke 9, where Jesus goes to Samaria, not long before His crucifixion. And the Samaritans rejected Him. Maybe because Jesus was a Jew. Maybe because they didn't want to hear His message. Maybe because Jesus was preaching the Kingdom of God, and they didn't want to embrace the Kingdom of God. Maybe they wanted Jesus to accept them the way they were, and felt like they didn't need to repent of anything. Regardless of the reason, they rejected Him.

And that made James and John furious. How dare they reject Jesus, the Son of God? And because James and John were disciples, His representatives, His specially called and chosen and men, they needed to do something.

"Lord, shall we call down fire from heaven to consume them as Elijah did?" 

On Friday, we learned that there are many in this country who do not believe the Bible should have anything to say in the matter of marriage. If this were a country comprised completely of Christians, I would be more likely to understand the outrage. But it's not. Do I wish that everyone in this country knew Jesus? Yes!

But not everyone knows Jesus - therefore not everyone is going to do things the way He would do it.

The problem is that the moment we start calling down fire and judgment on this country BECAUSE they are not doing it the way He would do it - WE are not doing it the way Jesus would do it either!

Jesus' response to James and John was clear: He rebuked them, saying "You don't know what spirit you are of."

If Jesus didn't want them to call down fire THEN, something tells me He doesn't want US to call down fire NOW.

Jesus never beat up any tax collectors, but He did make a scene in the temple. He never belittled a prostitute, but He did call the religious leaders "white washed tombs who made those who are lost twice the sons of hell that they themselves were."

Ouch.

People who don't know Jesus are going to act like people who don't know Jesus. I know, deep truths right there. But come on - what do we expect? We're judging the world, but we're not examining ourselves.

Peter makes a statement followed by a question in 1 Peter 4:17 -

"For the time has come for judgment to begin at the house of God; and if it begins with us first, what will be the end of those who do not obey the gospel of God?"

I'll tell you what the end will be. Many of them will come to know the transforming love of Jesus. If we allow His righteous judgment to fall on us, and transform us, the world will want what we have. They will want Jesus. That will be the end result.

Right now, much of the world wants us to shut up because we sound like James and John trying to call down fire.

But if we allow our hearts to be transformed by the Spirit of God and not the spirit of this world, we might start sounding a little more like the James and John who helped author the New Testament:

James 1:22-25 - Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. 23 Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror 24 and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 25 But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.

John 13:34-35 - “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

The Gospel makes everything better. We need to get better at the Gospel.


Photo Credit: Matt Popovich via Compfight cc

Manifesting Jesus

I was in a meeting recently, and someone made a statement that has stuck with me, and developed in me, since. I wish I could give the man credit, but unfortunately I just don’t know who he was!
He said that Jesus is not a model for us, but a model of us. He is a model of the kind of person that I am - the first of a new people. He destroyed the curse that was upon us through the first Adam, by becoming the second Adam.

This is powerful because it speaks to our identity, not our actions. We don’t have to copy the works of Jesus, we simply live from the new nature of Christ within us. That’s the hope of glory! That Christ is in me, not around me.

I was studying recently, and like I said, God began to develop this in me. In John 17:6, Jesus makes a powerful state- ment: “I have manifested Your name to the men whom You have given Me out of the world. They were Yours, You gave them to Me, and they have kept Your word.” (NKJV) Jesus is the manifestation of God. If Jesus is the manifestation of God, then through Holy Spirit we are the manifestation of Jesus.

The implications are limitless because God is limitless. Think about it - Jesus was not a copy of God. He was the manifestation of God. He didn’t mimic the Father, He revealed and displayed the Father, as the firstborn among many (Romans 8:29).

We are the many. Holy Spirit stirs within us the manifestation of Jesus who is the manifestation of God. Jesus manifested the name of God “Jehovah Rapha” when He healed. We manifest Jesus when we heal in His name. Jesus manifested the name “Jehovah Shalom” when He spoke peace over the storm, and peace over His disciples. We manifest Jesus when we speak peace over every situation we encounter.

Jesus manifested the name “Jehovah Jireh” when He provided for the disciples the riches of heaven - healing, financ- es, food, etc. I believe in a prosperity gospel in the sense that I am eternally prosperous through Christ, and I mani- fest Jesus through the generous release of heaven’s resources. We have a tendency to adamantly oppose a prosperity Gospel because we see it as Christians (especially pastors) trying to become prosperous! But perhaps a correct inter- pretation of a prosperity gospel is the understanding that we are already living it! It’s not about getting, it’s about giving. We are eternally prosperous! 2 Peter 1:3 tells us: “His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.”

We could go on for hours discussing the nature of God, and how that Jesus revealed that nature, and how that Holy Spirit empowers us to reveal the nature of Jesus. The point is that it is fluid and organic. No one can copy God and hope to do God as good as God! That is what makes legalism so powerful. You can gain power and authority by being the one who “does” the most.
Jesus told His disciples that anyone who believes in Him will do the things that He is doing and greater (John 14:12). There is no way that we can copy Him. But with Christ in us, the hope of glory, we continue to manifest the limitless nature of God.


Manifestation is a constant flow, accessible at any moment and in every situation. When I manifest Jesus, I respond the way He responds, I love the way He loves, and my life overflows with the reality of who He is. And as I abide in Christ, it’s natural, not forced. I can’t help but live like Jesus who is not a model FOR me, but a model OF me.