What!?! Christian abuse!??!
Yes! It happens! Why does it happen? Because we’re all in different stages, learning to walk in the fullness of our identity in Christ.
Christian abuse happens when we’re insecure - whether we are the victim or the abuser. Insecurity causes us to forsake healthy boundaries, and insecurity causes us to create unhealthy relationships. How do you escape Christian abuse? First, it’s important to recognize the signs and symptoms:
1. Segregating
“But he, knowing their thoughts, said to them, “Every kingdom divided against itself is laid waste, and a divided household falls.” - Luke 11:17
Small groups of people meeting together are powerful. They have the potential to bring about significant life change as people discuss what is taking place in their lives, and what God is doing to grow them and transform them. But watch out for those who refuse to be in smaller groups, but want to only meet with you one on one. Usually this takes place because a person is unable to share within a group of people. So they pick one person whose personality they know they can manipulate. If you have been abused in the past, then you have to be incredibly cautious of people who remove you from multiple relationships in order to spend time with you one-on-one. One-on-one is great in a healthy context, but not when other relationships are abandoned or are not happening.
2. Grooming
“Watch over your heart with all diligence, For from it flow the springs of life.” - Proverbs 4:23
If you are talented, if you have something to offer, if you have a story, be sure that people are going to want to hear it, and need to! But be cautious of those who come alongside wanting to “mentor” you, and “pour into your life,” who do not have anyone mentoring them, and pouring into their life. The lone rangers if you will. Christian abusers have, many times, many issues with many churches that remain unresolved. They may even have issues with the church they are in, if they are attending one, and that in itself is worth investigating and paying careful attention to. If they are not connected to people who are pouring into them in a healthy setting, then the chances of them pouring into YOU in a healthy setting are pretty slim.
3. Protecting
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” - 2 Timothy 1:7
Christian abusers will seek to protect you. Everyone who approaches you becomes a potential threat, because the goal is to keep you aligned with only themselves. You’ll find that, while they won’t be outright condemning, they will “notice” issues that you “should be cautious of.” The reason this takes place is because the abuser is struggling with their own insecurity, and believe they will lose you if anyone else becomes a significant part of your life. And if they can plant seeds of doubt, fear or mistrust, they’ll gain you as a follower.
“And in their greed they will exploit you with false words.” - 2 Peter 2:3a
One of the greatest tools in a Christian abusers life is the phrase “the Lord told/showed me.” This becomes a way to make the abused listen and conform because “you can’t argue with God.” It’s a good idea to stop listening to someone who says “the Lord told me” all the time. The purpose of prophecy is edification, not control. Someone who is truly hearing from God is willing to receive confirmation and/or correction from others who hear from God as well.
4. Confiding/Manipulating
“Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God” - 1 John 4:1a
This type of confiding usually comes with intense warnings not to share with anyone. You’ll hear things like “I’m only sharing this with you because I trust you.” Or, "I didn't want to say this to anyone, but..." Anytime ANYONE asks you to keep something in confidence that involves others without having the right to make that request, that is a huge sign of an abusive conversation.
The biggest reason for this type of confiding is for the sake of manipulation. If I can keep you from talking to anyone else about it, then I will be able to regulate your opinion, and now you are on my side. Even if someone is doing something wrong on the other side of the conversation, you ALWAYS want to hear both sides of the story before forming an opinion. This also breaks the power of segregation, which is one of the enemy's greatest tools. When something remains in darkness, it holds power. But the moment it comes to light, it’s strength begins to break.
So what do you do once you’ve realized you’re in an abusive Christian relationship?
1 - Break the power of segregation by finding a healthy community of believers to surround yourself with and become accountable to
2 - Break the power of grooming by finding mentors who are being mentored by mentors who are being mentored….
3 - Break the power of protecting by developing multiple healthy relationships. Don’t listen to prophets who refuse to be accountable to others
4 - Break the power of confiding and manipulating by setting boundaries in what you allow yourself to hear. If it doesn’t involve you, it’s gossip and you need to shut it down.
